The Bachelor Party
by e-dog
Summary: Harm wakes up in a drunken stupor and can’t remember anything about his bachelor party! Now he has to retrace his steps to figure out what happened!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Uh, wait, wait. Let me think. pauses and rubs chin thoughtfully Nope. Can't say that I own them. sigh

Author's Note: While working on the sequel to Wrong Place, Worst Time, I came up with this idea. I needed something funny, so here it is. For the purposes of this story, Renee didn't break up with Harm to marry that funeral director. Was his name Cyrus? Whatever, that's not the point. So, this will take place up until the very end of the episode "Mixed Messages" in Season 7. EDIT: Reformatted on 4/14/06 because I felt like it and I was bored. Nothing in the content has changed.

Category: Humor/Romance

Summary: Harm wakes up in a drunken stupor and can't remember anything about his bachelor party! Now he has to retrace his steps to figure out what happened!

**The Bachelor Party Part 1**  
by e-dog

Harm slowly opened his eyes and yawned. His head was pounding and the light hurt his eyes. He rubbed his eyes in attempt to make the pain go away. It didn't work.

"Oh, what a night..." he moaned then heard the soft meow of a cat at his feet. He removed his hands from his face and a little orange tabby stared at him curiously. "Hey, how did you get in ... my... apartment..."

He stopped himself when he realized he was outside on some city street. He looked at his tattered clothes and groaned because he had been sitting on some cold concrete sidewalk all night long. His body was covered in a newspaper and he noticed people walking by, giving him sympathetic stares. One even knelt down and dropped a dollar bill on his lap.

"There you go, sir," the woman smiled. "I hope you have a blessed day."

"Uh...thanks?" Harm slurred and removed the newspaper from his lap. How the hell did he get here? When did he become a homeless man? As he moved, he felt water squish in his shoes and noticed his clothes were damp. Had he gone swimming too?

He blinked his eyes a few times, vaguely remembering bright lights and loud music, but he couldn't remember a pool. He went through his pockets and found his cell phone. He smiled and pulled it out. He could call someone to come get him. Than he discovered the battery was dead and it was waterlogged. He frowned in disgust and slowly stood up, his body aching.

"Think Harm," he talked to himself. "What were you doing last night?"

He ambled his way down the street. Looking at signs and trying to remember where he was. As he walked, a memory of yesterday flashed into his mind...

_

* * *

_

_The day before..._

Sturgis poked his head in the door and grinned, "You ready for tonight?"

Harm looked up and flashed his grin, "You bet. I haven't had a guy's night out in ages."

"Well, you deserve it, buddy. It's about time you got hitched," Sturgis said, coming inside the office completely. He cautiously approached the desk and leaned down. He whispered, "So, _she's_ okay with it?"

"Who? Renee?" Harm looked up. "Yeah, we talked about it and she's fine with it. Why?"

"No, not Renee," Sturgis gave Harm a stern look. "I wasn't talking about her."

"Mac?" Harm gave him a confused look. "Why would she have a problem with me having a bachelor party?"

Sturgis sighed, "Look, I don't know much about you two, but lately she's seems...edgy."

"Edgy?" Harm rose an eyebrow, then coughed. "I haven't noticed."

"Haaarrm," Sturgis rolled his eyes.

"Look, Sturgis," Harm stood up. "I was here for her and she knows that. Renee showed up at a bad time. I didn't mean to force her away, but I had no choice!"

"I know," Sturgis cut in.

"And," Harm pointed out. "I called her several times, she ignored them. I even followed her out to that damn ship. You can't say I didn't try."

"No, I can't," Sturgis gave a fake smile, having a good feeling Harm didn't try hard enough. "Sorry to upset you."

Harm gave a weak grin, "You didn't upset me, Sturgis. I'm sorry I overreacted."

Sturgis nodded and stood to leave, but Harm stopped him, "Tell me. Is she okay?"

"I'm not sure," his friend shrugged before walking out the door. "I haven't really seen her. She's been locked up in her office all day."

Sturgis studied Harm's face as he just nodded in response. There was concern for Mac evident in Harm's eyes. Harm finally snapped out of it and said, "Thanks for letting me know. I'll talk to her."

"That's what friends are for," Sturgis smiled and walked out.

To be continued...


	2. part 2

Disclaimer: see first part

Author's Note: most of the important stuff in part one. Hey all, thanks for the feedback! And just to clarify, this story is meant to be silly and extreme. I doubt any of the things that happen in this story would happen to Harm and I doubt he would ever get so drunk, he would pass out on the street. (Sally, hey, no offense taken!) I just wrote it because it's been nagging at me and I finally got it down on paper. So think of this story as AU, if you will. I also thought it would be interesting if I tried writing a story from the end and worked my way back to the beginning. (shrugs) It seemed like a good idea at the time. :) I hope you all keep reading anyway!

**From Part 1**

Sturgis studied Harm's face as he just nodded in response. There was concern for Mac evident in his eyes. Harm finally snapped out of it and said, "Thanks for letting me know. I'll talk to her."

"That's what friends are for," Sturgis smiled and walked out.

* * *

**The Bachelor Party Part 2**  
by e-dog

"That's what friends are for," Harm repeated miserably. His memory of the day before was coming back slowly and from what he could remember, his conversation with Mac wasn't exactly pleasant.

* * *

_The day before..._

"Harm," Mac forced a smile, but annoyance was clear in her voice. "It's your party, go have fun. Don't worry about me."

"Hey," Harm said, walking up to her. "We're still friends, Mac. Nothing will change that. I seem to remember you telling me something similar when you had your engagement party..."

He stopped when he realized he had inadvertently mentioned Mic. First, hurt registered in her eyes as the memory of the man she was supposed to marry came back to haunt her. Then her eyes inflamed with anger. Before he could correct his mistake, she growled, "Get out, Harm."

"Mac," he pleaded. "I didn't mean it that way and you know it."

She stopped herself and sighed,"I know, I'm sorry..."

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.

"I'm fine," she said quickly, grabbing a folder. "I have to go to court..."

"Mac, I know you're fine," he corrected and stopped her from going out. "Are you okay with me getting married?"

"I told you I'm happy for you," she said, trying to give him a genuine smile. Then quietly added, "And Renee. I'm happy for both of you."

"I'd hate to see you when you disapprove," Harm said, repeating words Mac had used on him.

"Why are you here, Harm?" Mac asked, folding her arms. She gave him a peculiar stare and he seemed to fidget a little.

"To make sure you're okay," Harm insisted and started to sound offensive.

"And I said, I'm _fine_," she said with as much intensity back. Without anymore words being exchanged, she walked out leaving him alone in her office.

_

* * *

_

_Back to the present..._

He continued to walk, that memory eating away at him. She wasn't happy. He knew it.

And while it was nice to have some memory of yesterday coming back, he really wanted to remember his bachelor party. He wanted to remember how he ended up outside wrapped up in newspaper and soggy clothes.

Vaguely remembering this part of town, he looked around. He could've sworn he had been here before. He looked up and across the street. There was a park with a fountain. He looked at it curiously, than felt his damp clothes. He must have fell in the fountain! How else would he get wet?

"So I _have_ been here," he smiled, proud he was able to deduce a part of what had happened last night. He quickly crossed the street and went over to the fountain. He looked around for clues of anything that would help him remember that night.

Nothing. He put his hands on his hips and sighed, "Damn it."

Harm shut his eyes in frustration...

_

* * *

_

_The day before..._

Harm shut his office door for the night and spied Mac's door. Her office door was closed, but the light was still on. She was still working. A part of him wanted to go speak to her again, but he decided against it. Harriet was still here as well and he chuckled, "Working late, Lt.?"

"Yes, sir," Harriet smiled. "Just a little behind in some paperwork. You heading out, sir?"

"My party," he smiled.

"Have a good time, sir," Harriet called after him as he walked towards the elevator.

"I will! Thanks!" Harm replied and then turned when he heard his voice.

"Hello, sir," Harm smiled as AJ approached him.

"Hey, Harm," AJ smiled back and they both stepped onto the elevator together. About halfway down, AJ hit the Stop button, ending their short ride to the bottom for a moment.

Harm looked at him confused, "Sir?"

"I'm happy if you're happy, Harm," AJ started bluntly, then paused. "But _are_ you happy?"

"I'm ecstatic, sir," Harm tried to sound reassuring.

"You don't sound ecstatic,"AJ noted, then hit another button. The elevator began to descend again. AJ gave Harm a serious stare and said, "Not as your CO, but as your friend, tell me if you're having doubts, son."

"Well, I...," Harm started to mumble. "You see, sir...I was really happy until...today. At least, I think I was really happy until today. Sturgis came in to see me about Mac and..."

"Harm," AJ cut him off. "You've only got a week to get your doubts in order. You'll be spending the rest of your life with _that_ woman."

"Yes, sir," Harm nodded. Hearing the words, "the rest of your life" suddenly made it all come home and his doubts began to worsen.

The elevator doors opened and AJ stepped off. Harm stayed behind, almost letting the doors close on him. He grabbed the doors and got off. He stuck his cover on his head and walked out.

_

* * *

_

_Back to the present..._

"Mister?" called an elderly voice, breaking him from his thoughts.

Harm turned around and winced a little when he felt a sharp pain above his eyes. His hangover was getting worse and suddenly a desperate wish for some pain killers and a warm bed entered his consciousness. He got a good look at the elderly man and saw that he looked even more rundown then Harm felt. Harm had a feeling that this man was actually homeless.

He mumbled towards the man, "Who are you?"

"Name's Jeff," the man stood up and smiled a toothy grin. "Don't remember me?"

"No," Harm said, shaking his head. "I can't remember much of anything, actually."

"Well, you were drunk off your ass last night!" Jeff hollered, slapping his thigh in amusement. "I usually sleep here on this bench, but you woke me up!"

"Hey, I don't need this right now," Harm moaned as he began to walk off. "I need to remember what happened."

"I saw you last night!" Jeff called after him. "Fighting with a woman!"

Harm slowly turned around, his curiosity peaked. He immediately thought of Renee. "A woman? Did she have blonde hair?"

"Nope, definitely not blonde," Jeff laughed. "But she was in a green uniform and she was mad as hell at you!"

To be continued...


	3. part 3

Disclaimer: see part one

Author's Note: All the important stuff in part one and part two. Should be studying for finals. (Pray for me) Should be finishing my art projects.(pray some more) Should be writing two completely different stories, but I'm writing this one.(u don't have to pray for that one)

**From Part 2**

"I saw you last night!" Jeff called after him. "Fighting with a woman!"

Harm slowly turned around, his curiosity peaked. He immediately thought of Renee. "A woman? Did she have blonde hair?"

"Nope, definitely not blonde," Jeff laughed. "But she was in a green uniform and she was mad as hell at you!"

**The Bachelor Party Part 3?**  
by e-dog

"Mac...," Harm said quietly, knowing she was the only female he knew in a green uniform. He tried to remember what words were exchanged, but couldn't. His mind kept putting together pictures that flashed around in his head, but didn't make sense. He walked over to Jeff and almost pleaded, "Tell me what happened."

"You don't remember anything?" Jeff asked, amusement clear in his voice.

"No," Harm insisted, getting tired of this old man playing around. "Just tell me, okay?"

"Take a look at your reflection then," Jeff pointed at the fountain. "You'll remember."

Harm looked at him confused, then did as told. He slowly walked over to the fountain, afraid to look. He kneeled down and spied his reflection in the water. There! He slowly brought his hand up and touched the tender spot under his eye. He winced and noticed a little blood stain on his cheek.

"She punched me?" Harm turned around bewildered as Jeff nodded yes. Harm touched the spot under his eye again, which suddenly triggered a memory...

* * *

_The past night..._

"Harm!" Mac called him, but he kept walking away. She grabbed his arm and turned him around forcefully, "What the hell was that all about?"

"I was just having a good time before I got married," Harm shrugged in an uncaring manner. "You have a problem?"

She gave him a disgusted look as he continued to stumble away. Mac tried again, "Well, it doesn't look like you're getting married now!"

She said something else, but Harm ignored her and stumbled his way over to a fountain and took a seat on the edge. His head was swimming and all he wanted to do was curl up and sleep. He looked up and saw an older man grinning at him. Harm frowned at the man and turned away from his mocking grin. It seemed the whole world would be laughing at him for the rest of his life.

He could hear her walking up and stopping next to him. He mumbled sarcastically, "_Now_ what do you want? Wasn't tonight embarrassing enough?"

Mac stood there, breathing heavy and looking flustered. Harm bravely looked over his shoulder and noticed she was seething. He had really pissed her off now. He wasn't trying to be a smart ass, but he was so mad at himself for acting like a fool, every word coming out of his mouth sounded arrogant and spiteful.

She clenched her fist and grumbled, "Stand up, Harm."

"Why?" he slurred, spreading his arms out and waving them. "Why should I stand up?"

"Just do it," she ordered.

Harm rolled his eyes and stood up. Her arm went back and her fist lunged forward, landing right below his left eye. The impact sent him flying into the fountain with a huge splash. It probably wouldn't have hurt so much, but unfortunately, she punched him with the hand that had her ring on it. He could feel the blood sliding down his cheek. He sputtered a little and tried to get out of the freezing water, but kept slipping. He called after her, "Mac! I'm sorry!"

But she didn't say anything in return. She had already walked away.

* * *

_Back to the present... _

Harm turned back around to Jeff, after looking at his reflection. The rest of the memory was still blurry, so he asked, "What happened after she punched me?"

"Well, she disappeared back to wherever you two came from. You finally got yourself out of that fountain and walked off that way," Jeff pointed. Harm followed his finger and realized he was pointing back to the very spot where Harm had slept all night.

"Do you know why she punched me?" Harm asked.

"Besides for being a drunken ass-hole?" Jeff joked. "Nope. Not sure. I may have heard you shouting before you appeared here, but that's all. Sorry."

"Yeah, thanks," Harm mumbled. He followed the path Jeff said Mac took to leave the park. Harm finally realized, if he was going to remember anything about his party, he would have to retrace all of his steps.

And despite the fact she was completely angry with him, he hoped that his steps would lead back to Sarah Mackenzie.

To be continued...


	4. part 4

Disclaimer: see first part

Author's Note: All the important stuff in part one and two. Hey, this chapter is longer! Yay! Oh, and Carol, if you want to. You can pray for the other stories. :) I have writer's block for another comedy short and the sequel to Wrong Place. So, it would be nice to have prayers. Ok LauraBF, here it is! Post chappy 11 of your story now? please?

**The Bachelor Party 4**  
by e-dog

Harm walked around the corner and immediately recognized the building in front of him. It was the dance club where his party was being held! The memory of lights and loud music now all made sense! He smiled and ran towards it. He stopped at the entrance and paused when he saw his car was still parked out front. "Finally, I'll be able to go home."

He ran over to it, but groaned at the sight that met him. His keys were locked inside, stuck in the visor.

"Now how the hell did that happen?" he sighed heavily coming to the conclusion he must have locked them in there last night. He walked into the club and saw that the place was empty except for a few guys at the bar.

The bartender looked up and smiled wide, "Well, if it ain't 'Mr. Sexy Thing' himself!"

"Excuse me?" Harm rose an eyebrow in surprise, wondering what he was talking about. He felt a pang in the pit of his stomach and suddenly felt like he didn't want to know. He gave the bartender a strange look and asked slowly, "Did you just call me 'Mr. Sexy Thing'?"

"Yeah," the bartender laughed and pointed to the stage in the back. "You were up there singing. You know, Karaoke style. Put on quite a show for the ladies. Especially for one in particular."

"Really?" Harm moaned and sat down on a stool at the bar. He began to wonder if the "one in particular" was Mac. Something told him the "show" he put on for Mac was the reason she punched him. Now he wanted another drink. The bartender walked up and looked at Harm, "Hey, buddy. You don't look so good."

"I don't feel so good," Harm admitted, wondering what the hell he had done.

"You were pretty drunk last night," the bartender recalled. "Looked like a Class-A fool, if you know what I mean."

"So I've been told," Harm tried to smile and reluctantly asked, "So, what was I doing up on that stage?"

"Too drunk to remember?" the bartender guessed. Harm nodded in the affirmative, so he continued, "Well, last night, you and some of your buddies came in and sat at that table right over there..."

While the bartender talked, Harm began to slowly remember the events of his party...

* * *

_The past night..._

The club was bouncing with energy. A slightly younger crowd then Harm was used to, but nonetheless a fun place to be. There were people everywhere, dancing and getting drunk. They had chosen a table away from the dance floor, so the foot traffic wasn't as heavy. There was even a stage for Karaoke. Several drunken kids and adults alike had all taken turns singing disco hits. It was quite amusing to watch.

"This is so great, Comdr.!" Bud exclaimed.

Harm looked up, chewing thoughtfully on some peanuts. He had been thinking about what AJ told him in the elevator all night and had not been paying attention to his surroundings. He forced a smile at his friends. Gunny, Tiner, Bud and Sturgis surrounded his table, all joking and laughing. They were all having a good time at his party...except for him. He finally spoke up above the noise, "Yeah, it is great! So Sturgis? How did you find this place?"

"An old Academy buddy told me about it," Sturgis smiled. "Do you like it?"

"It's great!" Harm said again, and motioned for the waitress to bring another pitcher of beer.

Sturgis eyed Harm worriedly, noticing he was drinking more than usual. He decided to joke around and said, "I know this is your party, but maybe you should slow down, Harm."

"What?" Harm said back over the noise, pouring another glass of the beverage. "I can't hear you!"

"Stop drinking!" yelled all of the men at the same time. Harm nodded quickly, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

"Am I drinking that much?" he asked, not quite feeling the effects of the alcohol yet. "I feel fine."

"You okay, Harm?" Sturgis asked, moving his chair closer so he wouldn't have to yell. "Did something happen?"

"Oh, nothing," Harm smiled. Sturgis didn't buy it, so Harm finished, "I talked to Mac. I don't think she's happy for me."

"Did she say she was happy?" Sturgis asked, not at all surprised that Harm valued Mac's opinion as much as he did.

"Yeah," Harm nodded.

"Then she probably is, Harm," Sturgis patted him on the back. "Look, I thought something was up, but I was probably reading into things too deeply. You two have been good friends for the last six years! I'm sure she's very happy for you!"

"You're probably right!" Harm had to yell as some loud techno beat blasted through the speakers. While he wanted to believe Sturgis, he just couldn't. Not to mention the fact, he was beginning to doubt whether marrying Renee was the right decision. When he proposed, it seemed like the right thing to do, but now he wasn't so sure. And he had a week to figure out what to do about his unresolved feelings.

Harm probably should've stopped drinking, but soon Tiner and Gunny couldn't help themselves. They wanted to party and mingle, so they ordered more drinks and made their way to the dance floor, pulling Harm along. Of course, Gunny and Tiner competed to see how many girls they could dance with before the end of the night.

Harm, on the other hand, began to let go. It was his party. It was his last night out as a "single" man. He had to make the most of it. A song he recognized came on and he looked at Sturgis, "Hey, wanna sing with me?"

"What?" Sturgis laughed. He had decided to stay sober and hang out with Bud. The two had elected to be designated drivers. He gave Harm a strange stare. A little surprised Harm would suggest anything like that.

"Sing with me?" Harm asked again, pointing at himself and then at the stage.

"No, you go ahead!" Sturgis laughed again as Harm literally bounded off over to the stage. It appeared he was finally having a good time at his party.

Harm grabbed the mike and began to sing along, "She's a brick...house! She's mighty, mighty...she's letting it all hang out!"

The crowd erupted into cheers, happy another drunk man had decided to sing along. The last guy had fallen off the stage and hurt himself pretty bad. Harm was now the welcomed replacement!

He continued to sing really badly until he noticed Mac and Harriet talking to Sturgis. Both women were still in uniform and that made him wonder why they were here. He stopped singing and hopped down off the stage, still holding the mike in his hands.

"Hello, sir!" Harriet gushed, trying to look innocent. Bud seemed to try to hide himself behind his wife. Harriet laughed nervously some more, "Isn't it funny how we ended up at the same club where your party is?"

"We were all just laughing about it," Mac added sarcastically.

"Well, that is pretty funny," Harm added, swinging the mike in his hands by the cord.

Mac spied Harm's loose posture and the complacent look in his eyes. He was totally drunk. She decided it was time for her to go, "You should go back up there, Harm. Keep singing. I'm gonna head home."

Harm smiled evilly, "You want me to keep singing?"

To everyone's surprise, he took Sturgis's unfinished drink, gulped it down in one swig and than put the glass back down on the counter. He continued to smile and said, "You asked for it."

"Haaarrrm...," Mac protested, as he pulled her towards the stage. "Let go! What are you doing?"

"What I should've done a _looong_ time ago," he slurred. Mac gave him a weary glance as he hopped up on the stage again...

To be continued...


	5. part 5

Disclaimer: see first part

Author's Note: All of the important stuff in part one and two. Thanks for all the feedback! It's been awesome!

**From Part 4**

Harm could hear the sarcasm in her voice and smiled evilly, "You want me to keep singing?"

To everyone's surprise, he took Sturgis's drink, finished it and put the glass down on the counter. He continued to smile and said, "You asked for it."

"Haaarrrm...," Mac protested, as he pulled her towards the stage. "What are you doing?"

"What I should've done a looong time ago," he slurred. Mac gave him a weary glance as he hopped up on the stage again. ..

* * *

**The Bachelor Party Part 5**  
by e-dog 

_Back to the present..._

"Okay, stop!" Harm put his hand up. "Don't tell me anymore! I don't wanna know!"

"You sure?" the bartender said a little disappointed. "It's kinda funny."

"I'm sure it was funny for you!" Harm pointed at the bartender.

"Commander!"

He heard a familiar voice and sighed relieved. He turned around to see Tiner running up to him. He said out of breath, "Where the hell did you go, sir? We've been looking all over for you!"

Harm stood up slowly, suffered a slight dizzy spell then smiled weakly, "I've been...around."

"Maybe you should sit back down for a minute, sir," Tiner suggested and helped Harm over to a booth.

Tiner eyed Harm curiously and asked, "Did someone punch you, sir?"

Harm just huffed and Tiner wisely didn't say anymore about that. They sat at the table as Tiner pulled out his cell phone. He called Sturgis, letting him know Harm was back at the club. He cut the phone off and laughed, "Boy, the Admiral is so mad at you, sir!"

"Really? What time is it?" Harm said with concern.

"Sir, it's 11 o'clock in the morning," Tiner pointed out, showing he was in uniform. "When you didn't show up for work and missed your court hearing, then we knew you must have never made it home. Col. Mackenzie said the last time she saw you, you were in the park, laying in a fountain. She felt awful for leaving you there. We all were really worried."

"Oh," Harm moaned and let his head hit the table. It couldn't get any worse...or could it? He felt something hard in his pocket and pulled it out.

He gasped, "Renee's engagement ring? In my pocket?"

"Yeah, sir," Tiner nodded. "Last night, she threw it at you...among other things."

Harm sat back staring at the ring as the rest of the party replayed in his mind...

* * *

_The past night..._

"Harm, please don't do anything stupid," Sturgis said under his breath.

"He's drunk, isn't he?" Tiner asked Sturgis, who had wisely stopped drinking.

"Oh, yeah," Gunny and Bud confirmed, watching Harm talk to the DJ. The DJ nodded enthusiastically. Mac stood at the foot of the stage and listened as a familiar beat boomed out of the speakers. She winced as if in pain and suddenly wished she could shrink away. Harm started to dance to the music as best he could, but his rhythm was so off, it was quite comical.

"I believe in miracles," Harm began to sing...badly. "Where you from? You sexy thing!"

Mac listened as the women cheered around her and Harm pranced around the stage. She held up a hand to shield her face, but it did her no good. Harm was pointing at her and singing in her direction. She couldn't get away and now she was the center of attention.

"I believe in miracles, since you came along," Harm continued, still looking at her. "You sexy thing! Woo!"

Then the music cut to a dance break and Harm started to...dance? His friends watched in awe as he romped across the stage, almost falling off a few times. Making a complete fool of himself. Mac on the other hand, looked like she might throw up.

"You know? I never imagined the Comdr. to be a crazy drunk," Gunny commented. "He's always seemed like the type of guy who's in complete control, no matter what the situation."

"You didn't go to the Academy with Harm," Sturgis laughed, remembering many times Harm had drank too much and made a fool of himself. "Harm was definitely a party man back in the day. I was happy when he finally grew up and stopped. Something must be really bothering him for him to act out like this!"

He hopped down off the stage, dropped the mike and grabbed Mac around her waist. He dipped her and she looked up at him in fear of what he was about to do.

"Harm?" she got out before he landed a sloppy, wet kiss on her. She tried to pull away, but Harm refused to let go. The club erupted into a drunken, "Aw!"

"Oh boy," Sturgis winced. "He's really drunk..."

"Really, really drunk," added Tiner and Bud at the same time, watching Mac struggle against Harm's grip.

"Shouldn't we ... stop him?" Bud suggested quietly. They nodded, but no one moved. No one admitted it out loud, but they _wanted_ this happen. While it was embarrassing for both Mac and Harm, they wanted it to happen.

Harm then finally released his lips off of the stunned Marine and was prancing her around the dance floor. To avoid the urge to help Mac, Sturgis turned to Gunny and said, "Back at the Academy, Harm got so drunk one time..."

"Okay. While it's interesting to learn about the Comdr.'s drinking habits, we have a problem!" Harriet interrupted and whined. "Renee is here!"

"She is?" Sturgis gasped.

"Yes! I was telling Mac I was going out and wanted some company. Renee had come to see the Admiral about something and overheard me! I didn't want to be rude, so I invited her!" Harriet explained.

Due to his drunken clumsiness, Harm accidently dropped Mac to the ground. The crowd erupted into cheers and laughter all at the same time. Mac, desperately tried to get up off the floor. She looked utterly mortified and Harm did his best to help her back up. Once Mac was on her feet, he saw her. His fiancee, Renee, looking angrier then he had ever seen her before.

"Renee!" he laughed. "Why are you here?"

"Harmon Rabb!" she yelled, walking up briskly and grabbing a glass on the way. "How could you?"

She tossed the glass in his direction and Harm put on his "deer caught in the headlights" look. He ducked and the glass flew over his head and crashed against the stage and he stood back up, holding his hands up. "C'mon, Renee...it was all in good fun...no harm done, right Mac?"

He turned to look at Mac. Her face red with embarrassment, her eyes inflamed in anger. Harm gulped slightly and turned back around. It seemed to finally register in his mind what he was doing. He ducked again as Renee threw a salt shaker at him. Then she threw the pepper. Harm backed away, trying to avoid the objects, "Mac! I mean, Renee! Stop!"

"Mac?" Renee yelled, catching Harm's slip up. "You just have Mac on the brain, don't you?"

"Right now, everyone looks the same!" Harm tried to plea. And it was the truth. His vision was blurring and he was beginning to lose balance. He sensed he may pass out.

Then he felt a smaller object bounce off his chest and hit the floor. It was her engagement ring. Sturgis walked over and helped to steady Harm, who looked like he was about to fall over. Renee walked up to the two men and growled at Harm, "You choose right, now Harm! Me or Mac?"

Harm stood there, amazed at himself for his behavior and contemplating the question. Renee or Mac? While it should've been an easy answer...it just wasn't. He bravely turned to look at Mac who refused to look at him.

"Okay, fine!" Renee yelled. He had taken too long to answer. She stalked off and Sturgis handed Harm the engagement ring. Harm took it and shoved it in his pocket. He clumsily followed Renee out.

"Renee?" Harm called, but he heard the squeal of tires and she was gone. He leaned against the building and sighed heavily. He contemplated for a millisecond going back in to apologize to Mac, but she probably would be happy not speaking to him ever again.

He gathered his wits and walked to his car. It was time to go home and sleep off the impending hangover. He fished in his pockets for his keys, then realized he had locked them inside. He hit his head against the window. After standing that way for a few minutes, he began to just walk away. He didn't care where he was walking to. He just wanted to walk away.

"Harm!" Mac called him, but he kept going. She ran up to him and grabbed his arm and turned him around forcefully, "What the hell was that all about?"

"I was just having a good time before I got married," Harm shrugged in an uncaring manner. "You have a problem?"

She gave him a disgusted look as he continued to stumble away. Mac tried again, "Well, it doesn't look like you're getting married now! You made a complete ass of yourself!"

Harm ignored her and stumbled his way over to a fountain and sat down on the edge. Mac continued to follow mostly out of concern and saw him, holding his head as if in pain. He looked up at her when she approached and he mumbled sarcastically, "_Now_ what do you want? Wasn't tonight embarrassing enough?"

Mac stood there, breathing heavy and looking flustered. She clenched her fist and grumbled, "Stand up, Harm."

"Why?" he slurred, spreading his arms out and waving them. "Why should I stand up?"

"Just do it," she ordered.

Harm rolled his eyes and stood up. Her arm went back and her fist lunged forward and landed right below his left eye. The impact sent him flying into the fountain with a huge splash. She regretted punching him the moment she did it, but couldn't take it back now. She walked off and listened to him splash in the fountain, trying to get out. He called after her, "Mac! I'm sorry!"

But she didn't say anything and disappeared around the corner.

* * *

_Back to the present..._

Tiner watched Harm play with the engagement ring, noticing he was lost in thought. He coughed, "Sir?"

Harm looked up and gave a uncomfortable chuckle, "What is wrong with me, Tiner?"

Tiner gave him a quizzical look and asked, "Is that a rhetorical question, sir?"

Harm laughed again and said, "Yes, Tiner. I would prefer you don't answer that one, okay?"

"Yes, sir," Tiner nodded. "Maybe we should head back."

"Yeah, sounds good," Harm said, getting up. When he stood up and turned around, she was in the doorway. She still looked upset and he couldn't blame her. Tiner said he would wait outside and Harm waved his hand, motioning he would be there in a minute.

He looked down at the floor and mumbled, "Hey, Renee."

To be continued...


	6. part 6

Disclaimer: see first part

Author's Note: All of the important stuff in part one and two. Thanks for the feedback! This is the second to last part! Hope you like it!

**From Part 5**

"Yes, sir," Tiner nodded. "Maybe we should head back."

"Yeah, sounds good," Harm said, getting up. When he stood up and turned around, she was in the doorway. She still looked upset and he couldn't blame her. Tiner said he would wait outside and Harm waved his hand, motioning he would be there in a minute.

He looked down at the floor and mumbled, "Hey, Renee."

* * *

**The Bachelor Party 6/ 7**  
By e-dog

"Hello, Harm," she said, spitefully. "Sturgis said I would find you here."

He looked at her thoughtfully. While her words should've felt like daggers in his heart, he felt...fine. He decided to chalk up those feelings due to the fact he was still under the influence of alcohol. He collected himself and said, "Yeah, I kinda passed out on the street...over there..."

Her face immediately turned into concern and she cautiously approached him, "You passed out?"

"Yep, after Mac punched me," Harm pointed at his eye. "She left me and I passed out."

"Mac left you?" Renee said, disbelieving. "She left you on the street by yourself? While you were drunk?"

"Hey, don't blame her," Harm said, getting defensive. "You didn't stick around either."

Renee folded her arms and said, "You didn't give me a reason to stay."

Harm bit his lip and played with the ring in his hand. No. He didn't give her a reason to stay. Should he give her one now? She noticed the ring in his hand and sighed inwardly. "I know you were drunk, Harm, so...if..."

Harm held up his hand to silence her. He knew what she was asking. He walked over and asked her to hold out her hand. She held it up, ready to feel him slip it back on, but instead, he just stood there. Then he took her hand, turned it palm side up and set the ring gently in the center of her palm.

"Keep it," he said, with a weak grin. "Like a friendship ring. I'm sorry if I hurt you, Renee. You deserve better than me."

Renee stared at the ring in her hand, disbelieving. Harm went to move past her, to head out, but she grabbed his arm, "Harm, don't leave. I'm forgiving you, ok?"

"No, it's not ok and it's not that simple," Harm sighed and turned away from her. "We can't get married, Renee."

Her silence sent a shiver down his spine. He kept his back to her, though. Not wanting to look into her eyes. She finally coughed and said, "Do you love Mac?"

"I don't know," he said, quietly and turned back around bravely. "And she's not the reason I can't marry you, Renee."

Harm paused, trying to put his thoughts together. It was never easy for him to say what he felt. In fact, when he proposed, all he did was hold up the ring. He never asked, "Will you marry me?" Renee just saw the gesture and the ring and immediately said, Yes. And now that he was thinking about it, he couldn't really remember the last time he said, I love you, to her either.

He ran a hand through his hair, once he thought he had the right words. "Look, I just don't feel comfortable..."

"Harm! You proposed to me! How can you not feel comfortable?" Renee pointed and yelled at him, tears starting to form in her eyes.

"Yeah, I proposed! Under pressure from you!" Harm yelled back. "I felt pressure from my mother, your parents! Hell! Even some of my friends told me to hang on to you! That you were good for me! What was I supposed to do, Renee?"

"Oh, I don't know," she said sarcastically. "How about not propose and pull me along for the ride!"

"I didn't pull you along," Harm sighed, resting his hands on his hips. "I thought I was in love with you."

Tiner leaned up against the wall near the entrance of the bar, listening to the entire conversation. His mouth was dry and his eyes wide open. He felt tingles go through his whole body. He couldn't believe what he was hearing! So now the truth was out! Harm felt pressured to marry Renee! Tiner grinned widely. He couldn't wait to spread the gossip around the bullpen!

The argument was over quickly and Tiner stepped back promptly to avoid being caught. Renee rushed out and got in her car. She fumbled with her keys, looking quite flustered. Tiner, feeling like he should be a gentlemen, quickly rushed up. "You okay, Ma'am?"

"I'm fine," she said, in between her tears. She gingerly wiped them away and managed to stop crying. "At least it's now and not six months into the marriage."

Harm had come out and heard those last words, which sounded vaguely familiar. Renee put some sunglasses on and smiled at Tiner, "Thanks for asking, Tiner."

"No problem, Ma'am," Tiner nodded, as Renee pulled off. Harm watched her drive away, not sorry she was leaving. He was more sorry about how he embarrassed Mac...and the mixed signals he most likely gave her with that impromptu kiss. He shoved his hands in his pockets, happy that for the first time in weeks, he was sure of what he was feeling and managed to get them out. Now the challenge was expressing those feelings to one person he always had trouble expressing them to.

"You ready?" Tiner called.

"Yeah, but we need to call the dealership for my car," Harm laughed half-heartedly. "I locked my keys in there."

"Really?" Tiner said, surprised. "Good thing, sir. Who knows what could've happened if you had driven home drunk."

Harm tried to look indifferent to Tiner's statement, but he never thought about the fact he almost drove home drunk last night. Passing out on the street was probably the best decision he had made!

* * *

Mac looked up from her book, as the knocking continued on her apartment door. She had a feeling it was Harm and she didn't really want to talk now. Sturgis had called her to let her know he was alright and she was relieved. She felt awful for leaving Harm behind. What kind of friend was she? To punch him and to leave him by himself?

Of course, now Harm would want to talk to her and she wasn't sure she was up to it. She was still reeling from his "Sexy Thing" performance and she was afraid she would be angry with him all over again. The knocking continued and finally she heard, "Mac, I know you're in there! Please, let me apologize to your face and not to your door!"

She sighed heavily, stood up and walked over to the door. She leaned on it, not sure she wanted to open it. "I'm sorry, Mac! Sorry for everything!"

"Sorry you embarrassed me or sorry that Renee dumped you?" Mac asked. She intended the question to sound rude and obnoxious, but instead it sounded curious and thoughtful. When silence met her answer, she began to feel that either Harm was sorry Renee was gone or that she insulted him. Soon, her worries were quashed when he said, "I'm not sorry she's gone. I'm sorry I hurt both of you in the process."

Mac involuntarily let out a sigh of relief. He wasn't sorry she was gone. She couldn't help but let a grin tug at her lips. The thought that Renee was gone literally gave her goosebumps. She was glad she didn't have to pretend how happy she was for Harm and Renee anymore. It was over. Her silence must have scared him because he knocked again.

"Mac?" Harm called again. "I come with a peace offering. I've got two Beltway burgers here, if you want them."

"Two?" Mac called through the door. Her voice small and childlike. He grinned. He could tell she hadn't had a Beltway burger in a long time.

"Yeah, there's two," he answered.

"With bacon, lettuce and tomato?" she asked.

Harm chuckled, "Of course. I know how much you love those BLTs."

"Are there fries?"

"Mac, if we stop talking through the door, you can find out," he laughed again and he heard her laugh in response. That gave him a little reassurance. Her laughter meant she wasn't completely angry with him.

Harm listened as the deadbolt came off and he stood straighter to prepare for the backlash. She opened it slowly and said with a small smile, "Let's see the food first."

Harm held up the bag and the aroma drifted into her apartment. Satisfied, she opened the door wider and let him in. He gave a small thank you and handed her the bag. She took it and led him to the table, where they sat down. She avoided looking at him for a few moments while pulling out the food and spreading it out in front of her. Once she was set to eat, she looked up and saw his face. Harm looked so awful! He had on the most pitiful face and his left eye was swollen. The sight of his eye made her feel guilty for hitting him.

"Harm, I'm so sorry for the hit and run," she started. "I shouldn't have left you there by yourself."

"No, I deserved it," Harm said immediately. "I still can't believe I did that to you. I should be the one who's sorry and I am sorry."

"It was embarrassing," she added, with a slight chuckle.

"I looked like a total fool," Harm rolled his eyes, then winced when his left eye gave him trouble. Mac noticed and an urge to make sure he was okay forced her up out of her chair. She stood next to him and inspected the eye, wondering if she should go get some antiseptic for the little cut her ring had made on his cheek.

Harm smiled weakly, "I'm fine, Mac. Like I said, I deserved to be punched."

"Are you sure?" she asked guiltily and went back to her chair.

"I'm sure," he nodded. "Are you still mad?"

Mac chewed thoughtfully on a fry. Harm watched as she pushed the box of fries towards him and he looked at her curiously. "Are you sharing your food with me?"

She nodded with a small grin. He took a fry and held it up, "I guess since your sharing, you're not mad?"

"Oh, I'm still mad," she laughed. "Just take this as a small step towards forgiveness."

"Uh oh," Harm smiled, while biting the fry. "I have a feeling you want revenge."

Mac just smiled and finally took a bite of one of the burgers. The thought of getting Harm back made her tingle with excitement. She leaned forward and looked him in the eyes, "How would you feel about a...repeat performance of last night on my terms?"

Harm rose an eyebrow in worry and suspicion at what Mac just asked him. On her terms? What the hell was that supposed to mean? There was also an underlying sexual tone in her request that made him quiver in nervousness. He glanced at her and she grinned widely, highly amused at the look that was on his face. A look of pure fear.

He finished another french fry and then folded his hands, "As long as there's no alcohol involved...I guess I'll be willing to do that. Now I'm afraid to ask this next question, but...what are the terms?"

Mac just grinned wider, making Harm feel even more uneasy...

To be continued...


	7. part 7

Disclaimer: see first part (also, I am not affiliated with that Queer Eye show or the Backstreet boys. It will make sense later...:)

Author's Note: All of the important stuff in part one. Hahaha...Here's the last part of this crazy story and this has been lots of fun guys! Thank you, thank you for reading and giving feedback!

**The Bachelor Party 7/7**  
by e-dog

_A few weeks later..._

"Here's to Harm being a real bachelor again," Sturgis lifted his glass.

All of the JAG crew murmured "Here, Here!" and clinked their glasses together. The toast by Sturgis was actually the first verbal confirmation by the group that they were happy to see Renee go. They knew who Harm really belonged to...

Tiner, AJ, Gunny, Harriet and Bud were all sitting around the table, waiting on Mac to come back. She went backstage to prep Harm for his performance. The owner of the club said he didn't mind Harm putting on another show. He was so entertaining to watch the first time, it was worth giving up the stage time for!

_

* * *

_

_Backstage..._

Harm looked in the mirror disgusted. He looked at her and whined, "Mac! I look ridiculous!"

"You agreed," she pointed at him. "On my terms."

"But...," he stuttered, looking at himself in the mirror again. "I look like a cross between a Backstreet Boy and one of the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! I can't go out there looking like this!"

"Well, I think you look adorable," she grinned, then playfully gave his figure a once over. He gave her a playful shove in return and she laughed, "Get ready. You have three minutes."

"Maaaacc," he called after, while she walked away. She didn't stop. "Mac! Don't leave! Can't we renegotiate?"

"Renegotiate what?" she turned around, a twinkle in her eye.

"How about the song I'm supposed to sing," he tried. "I'm really not a big fan of..._that_ guy."

"That guy? You're not a fan of one of the most influential people in rock and roll?" Mac asked, acting shocked. "I'm very surprised."

"C'mon, Mac," he whined, almost like a little kid.

"See ya," she winked and left.

He looked in the mirror and groaned again. He found the pair of sunglasses he was to wear and put them on. The terms: wear this ridiculous outfit made for a boy band member. Next, sing a song by Elvis Presley and impersonate him to the best of his ability. Swiveling hips and all. Luckily, she didn't require playing the guitar as well. While he loved to play, Elvis wasn't exactly the music he practiced.

Harm rose an eyebrow, pointed at himself in the mirror and practiced in his best Elvis voice, "Thank you very much!"

* * *

Mac returned to the table and sat down. They all looked at her expectantly and she chuckled, "This should be... interesting." 

"It better be," AJ chuckled. "I'm missing a good baseball game for this."

Soon, the lights dimmed a little and the crowd erupted into cheers, looking forward to any show the club was willing to put on. The JAG crew also clapped in anticipation, then dropped their jaws as Harm entered the stage. Harm tried to look confident, but he was terrified. He adjusted the sunglasses on his face and approached the mike. The lights suddenly flashed on him, causing him to squint his eyes at the sudden brightness.

Harriet stifled a giggle at Harm's outfit. His hair had been gelled and spiked in a manner that made him look younger than he was. He had on a skin tight, almost transparent black top. His pants were black also, just slightly more baggy. They did a good job of showing off his... posterior. His shoes were also a slick black, polished to perfection. AJ finally released the laughter he was holding in and everyone joined in. He looked extremely comical.

Harm could hear the laughter and suddenly wished he was drunk. At least when he was drunk, he couldn't tell people were laughing at him and not with him. He looked at the DJ to start the music. The DJ winked and smiled. Harm smiled back. The beat played and Harm cracked his neck. If he was going to do this, he might as well try to do it right.

Harm did his best to swivel his hips, slid up to the microphone on the appropriate beat and sang the first verse, "A little less conversation, a little more action please. All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me. A little more bite and a little less bark. A little less fight and a little more spark. Close your mouth and open up your heart and baby satisfy me. Satisfy me."

Both Mac and Harriet released giggles at Harm's attempts to impersonate Elvis. His movements were just as comical as the night he sang "You Sexy Thing." The difference, he was singing much better. So much better, Mac frowned in suspicion. She always figured Harm could sing, just didn't know he was that good!

He started to clap to the beat, causing the crowd to do the same. He looked like he belonged in a boy band!

"Baby close your eyes and listen to the music. Dig to the summer breeze. It's a groovy night and I can show you how to use it. Come along with me and put your mind at ease. Hey! A little less conversation, a little more action please... "

Harm went into the verse again, gaining steam and confidence. It was amazing how much he sounded like Elvis! The crowd was really getting into it also, surprising the JAG crew. Sturgis laughed and remarked, "Now it looks like he's having a good time!"

"Oh, let him have fun!" Mac laughed back and continued to clap.

"Come on, baby I'm tired of talking," Harm sang, his deep vocals resonating over the crowd. "Grab your coat and let's start walking. Come on, come on! ... Come on, come on! ... Come on, come on! Don't procrastinate, don't articulate. Girl it's getting late, you just sit and wait around!"

"Hey! A little less conversation, a little more action please! All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me! A little more bite and a little less bark! A little less fight and a little more spark! Close your mouth and open up your heart and baby satisfy me! Satisfy me!"

Harm hopped off the stage, working his way through the crowd. Slapping hands and totally playing the part of "celebrity". All of his friends couldn't help but laugh in amusement. He finally reached their table and grabbed Mac's hand to pull her up, "Come on, baby I'm tired of talking. Grab your coat and let's start walking."

Harm continued to sing, pulling a much more voluntary Mac to the dance floor. Gunny and Tiner shrugged and got up to follow. The dance floor soon crowded around the two of them.

The music and the voice continued to play...without Harm singing! Harm realized he had stopped moving his lips to the words and tried to get back into it, but Mac had already noticed and yelled, "You lip synced the whole song! You cheated! I can't believe you...!"

Harm laughed then covered her mouth with his hand and said, "Mac, a little less conversation, please!"

She narrowed her eyes at him but couldn't help but smirk. Suddenly, he wrapped an arm around her waist, dipped her, brought her back up and smiled mischievously.

"Don't you dare...," Mac warned, before Harm gave her a much more controlled and balanced kiss. A kiss she couldn't help but return. The crowd erupted into another drunken, "Aw!" , just like the other time Harm had pulled this stunt on her. Harriet squeezed Bud's hand tightly in reaction to the kiss, happy for her friends. However, Bud suddenly felt all circulation stop in his hand.

"Uh, honey," he said, tugging on his hand. She didn't let go and Bud said again, "Honey, could you let go!"

AJ took a sip of his beer and remarked jokingly, "I hope that fool knows what he's doing."

"Only fools fall in love, Admiral," Sturgis smiled wider.

Harm pulled back, ending the kiss and this time reveled at the expression that graced her face.

"What was that for?" she asked meekly as he let her go.

He backed away and put his sunglasses on, "Just having a little fun before I get married!"

"Before you get married?" she repeated wearily. He then smiled a wide toothy grin and Mac's face dropped in confusion and worry. "Harm? What does that mean?"

He continued to back away into the crowd, waving goodbye mockingly. His grin couldn't have gotten any wider. She desperately followed him, "Harm! Come back here! What does that mean?"

The End :)

"A Little Less Conversation" by Elvis Presley


End file.
